29-9-2010 - 2nd day 2nd session chemo

today is my 2nd day of 2nd session chemo..
hopefully this will be my last big chemo..

if my urine tube can be removed within 3 wks, then most likely i dun 3rd session chemo.
can go ahead with radio liao..
i really hope dun need to do 3rd session chemo..
been wearing wig these 2 days..
cos patches at back is super obvious when wear cap..

today i feel nauseus.. effect of wana vomit is abit more than 1st session.
but im not so weak like 1st session..
yesterday didnt sleep too much like 1st time..
yesterday only slept ard 1.5 hrs

today didnt sleep at all..
duno why.. unable to sleep..

afternoon mum-in-law fr came help me shave cleanly my 1cm hair..
cos patches v ugly.. also hair keep falling off..
im v sleepy thereafter..
went bed 3-5pm..
but duno why.. didnt deep sleep...

my hair 26/9/10.. mild hair fall

my hair 27/9/10... heavy hair fall

my hair 29/9/10.. after shave thoroughly

27/9/10- not so hopeful day

jus now went see doc..
i showed him the urine recording..
so disappointed..
cannot remove tube yet..

bladder only recover ard 40%..
still need to have the tube for some time..
im worried cos the tube seems to come out abit..
n its pulling my flesh.. cos the tube is sewed onto flesh to hold it..
frequently will have sudden prickly pain at sewed area..
i also cannot walk to fast or big step..
worried will pull the tube..
arggg...
if no tube, i can actually go out more..
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am sad to sad more obvious patches on head...

this is yesterday.....

jus 1 day.. n see the big difference!
today i wore a cap, so u can see the "ring" at top of head...
below left side has more fallen hair...
maybe last nite i sleep with head face left ba...
sad...
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tmr and wed 2nd round chemo..
dont like..  :(

26/9/10- self urine & hair loss

yesterday i tried to self urine..
from 10am-5pm, every < 2hrs, i'll try go urine.
it was unsuccessful..
am discouraged..

at 5pm i go try again.. but stomach pain..
so end up pass motion..
as i use some force, some urine also come out...
i realise i think i need to use abit of strength to urine..

thereafter i tried again 2 times in evening..
n i successfully urine 250ml n 200ml..
there's also excess urine in the bag...
means i only urine out 40-50% of bladder

went online search regarding bladder..

finally found how bladder looks like..

my opening is at pelvic area..

i suspect the tube inside bladder is near to the "wall"..

tats why when i pump, got blood..

maybe "hurt" the wall of bladder...

anyway bladder can hold up to 1litre or 2 cups of water..

think my bladder can only hold max 700-800ml..

cos today overflow again..

i try self urine today..

most times successful with variation in volume..

but overflow 2 times, both more than 700ml..

now i know i can only drink max 500ml, then try self urine again..

drink 500ml, will urine ard tat vol too..

drink too little, gana block..

drink too much, gana overflow...

arghhh...

tmr go see doc..

i hope can remove tmr..
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alot of hair loss last 3 days...
pillow alot hair, seat alot hair..

feels weird n sad tat hair drop..
can see patches... :(

private area hair also drop..

i lightly pull my eyebrow.. will also fall off easily..

dare not pull eye lash oh..

22/9/10

morning went to see doc to chk regarding the dilute blood thing..
he say its ok...
phew..
now everything normal liao..
jus rashes super pain...

im also gona drink tons of water..
am gona avoid milo, tea etc tat'll "contaminate" my urine..
i hope this will reduce the particles in urine..
thus reduce the chances of getting blocked ba..

i pray hard by nxt wk can remove the irritating urine thingy...

today on my pillow, i saw few hairs falling off...
although i already shave bald..
somehow still not gd feeling to see hair falling.. :(

nxt tue/wed going 2nd shot of chemo..

Horrible nite

Now its 5am..
I'm awaken by my bladder n "the need to chk urine volume" to see is the tube flowing smoothly.

last nite I chk my urine bag.
It seems to stop increasing.
I suspect tube got stuck..

I'm getting super paranoid over the blockage thing.
I'm super irritated with it too!
I try to clear again!

I keep pumping n its hard cos halfway, there'll be air/vacumn inside the syringe.
I'm afraid pumping vacumn/air into bladder!

Then I saw some diluted blood stream from bladder!
I'm shock n scared!
I'm scared tat I pump too hard n squeeze out blood from bladder!

Cried cos worried!
Mood terribly bad cos I blame myself why I need to go thru these torture!
Why me! Why can't the urine jus flow properly! Why add on 1 more problem for me! N almost everyday stuck!

After dear change dressing for me, I realise I got abit of rashes at the area where I tape the dressing. The rashes is very painful!
Ahhhhh!!!! Already pain! Now 1 more area of pain!
"Let me die la!"
Can't control my horrible low mood!

Now the blood no more liao..
Urine colour back to normal.
I hope I didn't hurt my bladder n hinder the recovery.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

hair loss?

i pull my hair lightly..
got 1 hair come out..

everytime i pull lightly, 1 or 2 hairs come out..
also its at certain area only..

maybe the hair loss effect is coming soon...
:(
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today morning, tube got stuck!
use my 2nd syringe..

afternoon.. stuck again!
no more syringe..
jus nice dear need to bring my urine sample to doc for testing of infection..
so he bought 4 more syringe..

super kiasu la..
anytime will stuck one..
so i pump blockage in car...

now i super expert at plumbing liao...

i didnt even know that our urine contain particles leh...
when we urine, we wont feel it hor.. thot its only water...

21/9/10 - baby, baby not?

was reading a fr's blog..
realise tat she just remove her 20+ wks foetus..
this is her 3rd unsuccessful pregnancy.
she's in pain.. cos she likes/wants kids alot..

dear sis, if u r reading my blog,
u have to be strong n be positive!
i face the worse situation of all..
i cannot be pregnant at all now..
i wont be able to have my own baby
(unless test-tube + surrogate in other's womb = Not confirm have baby, + need alot alot of $$)

As I'll be facing the same problems too..
n its a forever problem...
i wld express my thots abt the issues..

she mention
1) she feels out of place when gathering w frs who have kids..

My thots:
-Real frs will not say/do things tat'll hurt ur pride.. i'll let them know of my situation if they do not know beforehand. OR at least some of them will know my situation.. so that they'll be more cautious when it comes to baby issues...
-Inevitably, mummys n mummys will definitely say/discuss things abt baby/child edu etc.. so some high EQ frs who know abt my situation can try to change topic etc... (so frs.. take note k.. haha)
-But sometimes also hard to control the topic, so most importantly, i have to "tell my mind" tat dun be bothered/feel pai say/feel inferior cos i do not have kid..
-OR i'll jus tell them politely/jokingly "can we chat other things ah :)"..
having kids also very headache one..
-but i think it'll also be interesting to hear some baby topics as a general knowledge..
SEE.. all depends on how i control my mind n mood...

2) duno how to handle when relatives keep asking "when u'll have kids", "married so long, no kids" etc..
so mite as well dun go CNY gathering etc..

My thots:
-distant relatives who duno my situation will always ask such qns.. it is not their fault.. its jus human std qns..
-i'll Either tell them the truth (if i they r close enuf..)
OR I'll "play"/mixed up/logical-lize their mind..
-i'll say things like "aiyo i prefer 二人世界", "got kids very 麻烦", "wah kids nowadays very hard to teach", "having kids need alot $$ now hor", "got kids dont guarantee they fillial", "trying hard now leh.. but dun have, very sad leh" etc..
then relatives will agree one.. human mind thing ba.. then thet'll say kids problem..
-if i say very sad dun have, they'll empathize instead.. (at least from the front.. maybe at back will say bad things.. but i duno n dun care lor)
-reason to shun the qns i guess the purpose is to maybe "save"/protect parents-in-law's face.. cos duno how in laws will feel/react when their relatives ask.. or duno in law wana let them know or not.. my own relatives all know liao.. my in-laws side only a few know ba..

3) avoid attending baby showers

My thots:
-ppl standard sure ask too..
-same ans as (2)
-or stay awhile then leave...
-if fr is close, then i'll jus b happy for her la.. with abit if envy..
all depends on how i control my mind n mood again..


so sis, u must must must rem
-u still got chance to get pregnant one..
even the slightest %, u can still get pregnant..
i cant at all..

-u can try test-tube baby..
n be put inside ur own womb!

-u have supportive husband who didnt forsake u

-the positive side of not having a kid is u dun have to face future kids problems!
(education problem, worried juvenile delinquent, will they be fillial in future)

-for me, i'll never get menstration problem.. haha..

pls dont let ur emotion spiral down...
have a BIG BIG CRY out..
then stand up n be strong!
Hugssss...

and frs who had unsuccessful pregnancies...
PLS rem u r not in the worse situation k..

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i can adopt kids..
i can be god-ma to my frs' kids..
i can be super close to my bro's kids in future...
(jus like im closer to my gu gu than parents.)

Importants notes for everyone

a fr shared her experience and wish tat i can share w u gals too...
Do take some time to read and seriously look into the matter..
thx YM for sharing..
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1) Vaccination - Cervical Cancer, unlike all other cancers, is the only one against which women can be vaccinated. The vaccination is not expensive ($600) and easily available, even though it is not full proof, it reduces risks. Anyone who is young, sexually active & can afford it should seriously find out more.

2) Pap Smear is not enough - women think that if the results are normal, they'll be fine. But Pap smears only provide a doctor with information on the cervix. A Transvaginal Ultrasound is what will give a Gynae a clear picture of whether the patient has Uterine Cancer, Ovarian Cancer, or any other abnormal activity.

3) Diet - Most of the life stock that we consume daily come from animal farms. Poultry such as chickens, are fed antibiotics and growth hormones from the day that they are hatched. Their bodies grow so big so fast that they can barely walk and in human terms, they are like 10yr olds in size but with 3yr old hearts and legs that won't support them into old age. Yet it doesn't matter because once they hit puberty, they are culled anyway. Therefore no one knows the long term effects of these antibiotics and growth hormones on the chickens, but we are consuming them anyway.
The bottom line is Eat Organic Meat if you can afford it (for vegetables it doesn't matter that much if you wash off the pesticides properly).


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my chemo doc tell me if can..
dont ever eat instant noodle in future.. forever.. esp the powder...
sob... i love instant noodle...
also i need to adjust my future diet..
more vege n super cut down deep fried..
if can also dun eat fast food...
sob.. mac n kfc my fav!

19/9/10- weird bladder

today suppose to try self urine..
bladder very weird, today totally cant urine at all..
tried 5 times liao..

why 2 days ago can n now cant?

i thot its recovering?

18/9/10

yest doc koh ask me to learn how to clear the blockage..
and it really comes in handy!

last nite from 11pm-3am, i notice the urine in bag is very little.
now im getting really paranoid whether the urine is flowing properly.
keep chking the urine bag..

ard 3am, my bladder really cannot tahan..
my bladder wake me up!
i think is gd news hor..
means bladder senses is recovering well..

anyway, i went toilet to do the clearing..
its rather fun to pump the syringe..
see the urine being pushed n pulled n seeing all residue cleared.
i pump more than 10 times..
i suspect tat time doc n yesterday nurse didnt pump thoroughly.
they pump 2-3 times and see tat got urine flow then stop..

i kiasu so keep pumping to ensure no stucked residue.
today also keep observing the urine bag... so far so gd..
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my hair haven fall...
i too kiasu to shave it la..
now its growing instead..
haha..
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later da gu n 2 gu buying me dinner..
then they gona bring me out walk walk.
parents in law out for wedding dinner..
dear out to work till late..
so just nice i got entertainment...

17/9/10-i can self urine!

yesterday i already got the "wana urine" feeling..
today i try to pass urine..
and Success!

1st try 100ml, 2nd try ard 200ml !!
im v happy cos its not just some drops..

i manage to have some urine out..
but not all..
cos there's overspill at opening again!

one second can flow to urine bag, nxt second cant..
urine can flow to 3 places, i can concurrent self urine + overspill at opening + some went to urine bag..
Messy scene!

call doc, he say the tube got blocked again..
anyway i ask dear home again to send me see doc...
doc say at the rate im pissing, my bladder is abt 50% recover.
but he ask me not to try tmr, only to try on Sun..
cos dun wana overexert my bladder..
the self urine shd be natural..
cos today i got "squeeze" to pass it out..

i have to learn to do the "plumber" thing myself cos in case at nite overspill..
very ez..

this is the water tat i use to pump to clear the blockage

i'll use a syringe to pump the water in thru the blue switch (i'll hav to remove the blue switch)

i'll remove the needle cos i can just screw the syringe exactly at this distance to the blue switch..
then push n pull n push n pull to clear any residue at the 2 way tubes..

phew.. so now i wont panick even when overspill...
i pray hard to fully recover the bladder function.

16/9/2010-finally clear bowel!

yesterday late afternoon i took
1) laxative
2) my prevent constipation tea
3) coffee.. 2 gu say coffee will help clear bowel
4) lots of plain water

so last nite, i woke up at 1am, 3am, 5am, 6am, 7am to clear bits n bits of faeces!
from hardest to soft ones!
YEAH!
think i cleared 1 wk of rubbish..
happy cos toxics r removed!

duno why, for the past 3 days, my mind is very alert..
i cant sleep... insomnia!
i cant sleep in afternoon too..
so last nite just nice, cant sleep n keep going toilet..

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today went see doc See..
she say im the 30% whom react quite well to chemo side effects..
like not too much nauseus etc..
she say can eat kimchi!
she also say it is not a must to drink plain water..
can drink camomile or aloe vera tea or those fruity tea etc..
yeah!
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jus now went meridien hotel foodcourt eat the super nice korean food.
yumsss
also ask yingling down so she can see see me since her office is jus there..
funny.. she say my hit rate is higher than her company's website..
haha

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jus now went boon lay see  ah ma..
but didnt stay too long, cos i tired liao..
so stay awhile then came back sleep..
finally can sleep..

15/9/10-urine overspill, ah ma's yummy salty pork, constipate

Had a gan jiong morning.

When woke up, I notice my urine bag is not as full as it usually is.
When stand up, I feel wetness at my pelvix hole.. (The hole where the urine tube is "poked" n link to bladder).

My urine can't flow thru the tube, thus it overspill at the "opening"!
This has happen before when I lock the switch to try self urine.

I quickly ask dear come home help me change dressing. Scared later infection.
After changing, I thot ok liao.
BUT few min later, it overspills Again!

Oh no! I gan jiong..
Duno is it the tube get too loose n urine can't flow.
Immediately, we went see doc koh @ TPY.

While in car, I can feel the urine wetting my disposible panty n gona stain my shorts liao! I quickly put tissue at below to "absorb" the urine. I scares stain seat ah..

Meanwhile I was imagining do I need to go hospital to re-insert a new tube etc..

When I reach clinic, my urine jus uncontrollably keep flowing out..
Urine was all over my panty n shorts n dripping onto my thigh n leg. So malu..

At this moment I panick, i feel very useless n helpless cos can't control urine flow.

Doc say there's residue in urine n my tube @ opening got "stucked" with residue (he use crystalised). Hence urine can't flow properly.
He say cos I didn't drink enuf water.

He inject saline water to pump thru the tube to "clear" the residue. Think also pump saline water into bladder. (Abit like plumber)
Doc also help me change a new urine bag.

Its been 4 wks after operation, so I think really a lot small particles..
No appetite so also drink v little water.

Now everything ok liao. Phew!
Now must force myself to drink a lot of water.
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Da gu n 2 gu bring ah ma's ai xin lunch for me. Ah ma cook her yummy dark salty pork.
Yumss.. Love ah ma n gugu..

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Late afternoon, super constipate!
I haven been really passing motion for few days! Only manage to pass few stone-like faeces over few days.

Feeling like stones stuck at anus hole, won't come out! Have to by force suck it back, cos stuck @ toilet 40min!

I took some laxative n drink lots of water..
Finally manage to squeeze 1-2 small stone/shit.
This is also the side effect of chemo.

Now I'm resting on bed blogging using hp..
Wat a day..
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

14/9/10- happy day

yesterday morning till evening im very low..
cos still cant self urine..
feel very discouraged..
also maybe cos im alone at an empty hse..
nobody's home from morning till evening..
the only happy thing is watching 公主嫁到 (funny la)

until evening da gu n 2 gu come visit me.
they bought yummy korean food for me..
really excite my tastebud!
yums yums.. kimchi..

they chit chatted with me..
i pour my negative thots to them..
but im v touched by wat they do for me..
simple things like tellin me to drink warm water instead of room temperature water will be nicer.
n its true!
i totally no appetite to drink room temp water..
but i need to drink lots of water..
even sipping water makes me wana vomit..
cos totally no appetite..

they also say wana bring a wheelchair so can bring me out walk walk..
to breathe fresh air.. see outside ppl..

they also bought camomile n a thermal cup..
so i can make honey camomile..
slowly sniff the fragrance of camomile..
relax my mind..
REallY Works!

so now im sipping the honey camomile in 爱心 thermal cup..

my body also not so weak now..
chemo effect seems to reduce liao..
or is it my mind?

also super constipate..
the super hard shit stuck at the anus jus wont come out..
so when stand up, shit get sucked back again..
argggg..
mum in law say after chemo will constipate..
so this morning, she went to buy a pump for me to pump my anus..

need to carefully insert the stick into anus...
must b careful not to tear the anus skin..
then squeeze the liquid in..
only manage to squeeze very little water..
n it really works..
sad is only some motion come out...
cos didnt squeeze alot liquid..
but better than nothing..

13/9/2010

Why time past so slow.
Mentally very torture.
Like no meaning..

Sometimes I did imagine scenes like "jump off building, then no need suffer".

Now I understand why some ppl commit suicide..

I hope all these torture end soon..

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

11/9/2010-5th day after chemo

duno why..
feeling v emo..
last nite cry without reason..

feeling weak..
no strength to talk.

feel v useless jus eat n sleep..
discomfort at chest.. slight nauseous..

super no appetite..
but force myself to eat..
see fish scared.. scared of the smell n taste.

sobbb...

10/9/2010 - 4th day after chemo

4th day after chemo.

Finally manage to pass motion.
Took some laxative.

Feeling weak. No strength to talk.
Chest abit heavy hearted..
Keep burping..
I keep using vicks inhaler to soothen my chest.

No appetite. But still got eat my meals.

Morning wake up eat medicine n breakfast, then go nap.
Afternoon wake up lunch then rest a while, nap again.

Dull routine.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

9/9/2010

today's ok..
still constipate..
took some laxative liao..
hope later can put put..

abit weak n tired..
feel sleepy..

shd be sleeping early tonite..
not much strength to talk..

am so happy yesterday da gu n 2 gu n 4th uncle n wife come visit me..
better visit me while my immune system not down yet..

guess these few days  my immune will be low..
chemo kills good n bad cells..

8/9/2010- 2nd chemo day n the cost!

wah!
yesterday doc See say i mite feel abit energetic on 1st day chemo..
i was sleepy ard 7-9pm.
but i didnt go to bed...
then when i went to bed ard 11pm.. i cant sleep!
i slept only ard 430am!
duno why mind is so active..

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today drip another chemo medicine..
reach 9am, start 930.. finish ard 1.30pm

my 1 shot of chemo is split into 2 days..
cos if its all done in 1 day, i need to be hospitalised.
also maybe its abit too much for me ba..
its a strong chemo medicine..
my nxt shot shd be 3 wks later..
so i'll start to feel all side effects few days later ba..
i better rest at home..
cannot expose myself to germs..

sorry if u guys wana come visit me..
i try not to see ppl so reduce the rate of any infection..
also will be weak to talk too much..
maybe i'll be sleeping all the way..
thanks for all ur sweet thots oh!

today 2nd day, (i use another colour if got changes today)
-sleepy = abit la..
-appetite = ok, can eat..
-walk = ok, got strength
-hair = still got spikeys
-nauseous = abit weird feeling.. duno is it my mind.. anyway a vicks inhaler do help alot!
-body changes = abit warm now.. feel like slight fever.. but i measure no fever. i need to measure my temp 3 times a day.. awhile after my meals.. if got fever, need to eat medicine or inform doc..
-constipation = i think yes liao.. cos after yesterday chemo, i didnt pass motion till now..
usually before chemo i pass motion 4-5times a day.. but my stomach dun feel like bloated with waste yet..

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doc say I must eat fully cooked food..
no salad or fresh uncook vege cos scared not washed clean.
rem the tuna croissant..
tuna is cook can eat but inside also got fresh vege..
so better dun eat.. or dun put vege..
 
also when eat fruits.. need to peel off the skin..
also scared not clean properly..
so try not to eat cherry, strawberry or small small grapes where hard to peel skin...
if need to pack outside...
must buy cook food..
i ask nurse fish porridge can..
 
also from frs n mum in law..
try to avoid red meat n of cos seafood!
doc will say seafood once fully cooked is ok..
but i will still avoid..
cos seafood before cook, they accumulate germs/bacteria easily..
so for weak body like me, better to avoid 1st.
 
so far i only eat fish n pork n vege n fruits..
actually i dun mind eating same thing everyday..
cos mum in law also headache wat to cook for me everyday..
i told her is ok, i very simple one..
got things to eat can liao..
plain also ok.. cannot hiam too much now..
i can still eat yummy spring onion pork.. haha..
ginger, garlic pork/fish.. also v tasty..
 
oh i also need to eat lots of protein..
so now every morning n nite i'll drink bird nest..
bird nest got alot of protein..
also i'll drink below every morning as a morning beverage..
taste like mikshake.. not bad taste..

this is a multi vitamin drink..

nurse intro me to drink one..

in case i dun have appetite then cant absorb vitamins..

see the below got "food for special medical purpose"

i think normal person also can drink..

 

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oh most important.. the cost!
my 1 shot (means 2 days) chemo medicine cost $3800..
plus misc other anti-nauseous medicine n nurse care etc..
total 2 days ard $4500!
can claim from insurance..

but something very important to take note!!!
so far all treatments n hospital bills, its reimbursement basis..
i pay everything 1st, then the hospital/clinic will submit to medisave n then link to Prudential.
all these mite take 3wks to 1-2 mths depending on how fast hospital, cpf board n insurance company can settle the admin side..
so if u admit to private.. u still need to have some upfront cash $$ to pay 1st.
even govt hospital too... some may need u to pay 1st..
so if admit to more subsidize ward,
u jus need to pay lesser upfront or some u dun need to pay 1st too..

so far i think i pay almost 30-35k for everything..
now waiting for it to be reimbursed..

whenever nurse ask how u wana pay..
must tell them u wana claim from ur own insurance...
not ur own medisave monies or from medishield (the default govt shield plan from cpf).
must ensure the clinic have the "mediclaim system for integrated shield plans from pte insurance co"
some clinic dun have.. then u just have to pay by medisave or cash.
all hospital shd have this system..

my CT scan ($800+) may be claimed under 90 days post hospital follow ups..
also keep all receipts n reports..
then call ur adviser to help u settle the claim portion..

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after 3 wks, i need to go back for another shot of chemo.
maybe i need 3 shots.. duno yet..
then after this 2/3 shot..
the torture comes...

EVERYDAY mon--fri radiotheraphy for 6-7wks! + mild chemo too
although no pain n takes only < 1hr..
its the trouble of everyday travelling..
poor dear goto ferry me everyday..
hee.. sweet max!

then treatment fully ends!
look fwd to this day!
dec 2010!
free girl day!

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some pics today..

the sweet amicable Doc See Hui Ti.

more of her profile here..

she treat me to sandwich.. so nice!

didnt wear wig today..

cos when i lie down, cap is easier to manage..

i dun feel pai say when walk along the pathway to car too..

ppl see they'll understand...

the drip..

the chemo room..
they can hold ard 8 patients...

i think i'll have lesser updates these few days..
cos wont be going out so maybe not much things to say..
but i may be updating the side effects on me..

thank you all dear frs! positive energy n prayers attract Goodness to my life!

i rec alot of frs comments in FB n sms etc..
some of u shared ur feelings n thots n experience..
im very touched by ur words cos i can sense ur heart close to mine..
esp those close to me..

some of u teared..
dun tear.. i din cry much too..

instead i tear n get v touched when u guys msg me touching things..

like my da gu msg me
"看了照片, 姑姑好心痛....
想到30年前抱你, 逗你.爱你.....
为你祷告, 天父爱你, 姑姑一直希望你自己也能认定主,依靠他。这些年来, 我们经历了神丰富的慈爱, 神不误事, 你和Smith都来信靠事奉主！


p/s. 有没有头发，对你的样子的影响不大 你的脸看来瘦了。"

like 2 gu msg me
"How can I not worry about you? "
"how i wish i can suffer on behalf of you... "

xiao gu email from US
"I wish so much that I'm at your side. "

 (am crying when see these msg again..)
 
i love my ah ma n aunties!

some of u try to imagine urself in my shoe and wonder how u'll react..
tats why i wana share all my thots w u all so u will know more admin things n how to handle in case such things happen to ownself or relatives...

haha nxt time can write a book hor..
but i too lazy.. jus refer blog can liao..

All these positive energy n prayers will attract goodness in my life!
thank u all n thank u lord..

-----------------------------

i told doc See tat i shave my hair liao..
she told me theres also a girl go dye blue hair, then go party, then nxt day also shave hair..
haha.. how cool is tat..
i didnt think of tat oh..

-------------------

oh it is so me talking to ppl beside me..
in sec 1, i just turn my head n chit chat to carolyn n we became best of frs..
i also hop ard the class to self intro... haha

in NUS, i jus turn my head n chit chat with huiyi.. n we also became best of frs!
me n yingling will always go to her condo to sun tan..
haha..

so today i also turn my head n chit chat with a patient..
didnt turn into fr though..
haha..

so funny when i think of it..

7/9/2010- first chemo day

my CT scan everything normal..
thank god!

while waiting to see doc See,
i had some thots/observations..

1)i chit chat w a cancer lady (30+) beside me.

it makes me realise tat my cancer is really in a very blessed stage.
mine after ops, after chemo/radio, then can fully cure.
my CT scan result v gd, hence chances to spread to other parts is v low.
i can still claim large sum of $$.

the cancer lady i chatted with,
got lung cancer.
she said she had v bad back pain..
so go chk found to be lung cancer.
she dun smoke!
the problem is her cancer cells spread to other parts of body.
she has been doing chemo 7mths ago,
and she is still trying out different chemo medicine now, but dun seems to control the spread.

she told me "cannot give up hope!"
makes me realise "so wat if i got a urine tube"
cos i can recover n be cured in 3mths time..
whereas this lady is still tryin after 7 mths..

2)i saw a vietnam chio 30+ lady (SPG look) with her ang mo husband
she dress v chio.. LV shawl over her neck, tall, tight jeans, sleeveless..
full make up.. looks v sexy..
her husband is v encouraging, talk in soft gentle positive tone.
he keep kissing her cheek when he talk to her..
very sweet n loving husband..

when im inside chemo room,
i saw her dripping chemo too..
im shock cos she totally dun look like cancer patient at all..
she got beautiful hair etc..

whereas i quite lok kok..
wear shorts + t shirt
with a pink bag with inside is urine bag..
but is ok la..
heee.. comfy can liao...
------------------------------

my appt is 11am but i start chemo only ard 1245pm..
super hungry liao
cos i thot enuf time to go home eat lunch cos i est will end at 1pm...

i realise got different chemo medicine one..
some will cause hair loss, some wont..
some will vomit, some wont...

anyway my chemo medicine need to drip 3hrs...
plus set up etc..
total take ard 3.5-4hrs..
so today i end ard 4pm!

my hand...

doc See is super nice!
she sees tat im hungry, she physically help me buy delifrance tuna criossant!
yummy!
and she dun wan me return $ for criossant..
nice max!
dear went office work.. no need to b ard wasting time..

she also help me buy another urine pack where i can tie on my leg so i can wear dress..
no need to use hand to hold..
but the holding capacity is smaller..
so i have to clear urine more often..
think i wont change la..
cos i got alot alot of urine while sleeping..

see the yummy criossant...
my face quite round hor..
maybe angle problem + short fringe..

before dripping chemo,
nurse gave me anti-vomit medicine..
this medicine make me giddy...
end up i slept the whole process of 3.5hrs!
good also.. dun need to think or feel anything..

doc say i'll start to feel side effect few days later...

today 1st day,
-sleepy = abit
-appetite = ok, can eat..
-walk = ok, got strength
-hair = still got spikeys
-nauseous = no
-body changes = no change.. maybe abit warm? or is it weather hot..
-constipation = maybe cos cant pass motion after chemo. maybe didnt eat alot today..
lunch is tuna croissant, dinner is my "supposed lunch" porridge.. so really not alot food la..

tmr im going for another chemo medicine..
duno how i'll feel.

------------------------------
some frs facebk me sharing their experiences w relative's cancer..

i wana remind dear readers..
pls pls pls go thru all ur plans with ur adviser to make sure all u r well protected..
they told me their relatives cant claim at all... it is really a very sad thing..

many of my clients parents also thot they got buy but end up dun have..

so u must find a gd adviser n explain wat r the different types of coverage clearly.
-death
-total disabled
-accident
-major illness
-female illness
-hospital
-investment
-endowment
etc...

hospitalisation 100% MUST buy. medisave+cash payment
really a peace of mind..


im really v blessed with a good cancer stage..
in terms of cervix cancer im stage 1b
in terms of chemo, im stage 3...
cos once got spread its stage 3...

but most important, i know currently all my cancer cells r removed..
n i can fully recover one..
so im a blessed child!

6/9/2010-bald day

hello...

see my beautiful hair..

today went lucky plaza buy wig.

shop is "Fortune Wigs"

located at lucky plaza #03-96.

its the hong huifang advertisment one.

i went there cos mum in law say there can help me trim the wig.

they also help me shave my hair too!

saves me a trip to hairdresser..

tried a few wigs...

bye bye my hair....

woooo... must have some courage to post this ah!

look like army boy hor..

no hair really look not so nice..

keep for memory la..

will not wear wig at home..

above n below similar?

this wig colour n texture is very close to my real hair..

just tat have to trim the front..

if leave it long, look v fake..

think it still looks obvious its a wig..

the wig cost $580!!!!

darn expensive hor!

still goto buy a stand + shampoo for wig

sob..

the aunty say will take 1 yr for my real hair to grow back this length...

sob sob..

got cheaper ones but will look more obvious its wig..

when i walk out of shop..

i notice other ppl's look on me..

somehow they give me a different look.

like trying to confirm tat im wearing a wig..

i think i'll wear a cap when go chemo tmr..

im scared abt tmr..

duno how chemo's side effect will be...

5/9/10 - 3 wks after ops

today i tried to self urine.
still cant.. 3 wks liao..
cried again cos it overflow at the tube opening again..
sob sob..

dear also abit stress when he see me cry..
cos he duno how to help me..

he help me change dressing la..
the urine tube is very irritating
but i feel better after change dressing..

the tube is sticked to my left leg..
there's a blue switch where i can turn on n off for the urine to flow.
centre of my leg is the urine bag..

whenever i go out see doc etc, i'll put the urine bag into a paperbag to hide it..
my greatest wish is to remove the urine tube so tat i can look normal.
-----------------------------------

this is my work station..
i use laptop, eat, rest, sit on this comfy armchair n use this table...
leg can rest at brown chair..
i'll walk abit..
then go to room to lie down/sleep.
-------------------------------------

Hysterectomy is removal of uterus.
mine is Wertheim's hysterectomy sugery..
means the right side pic (radical)..
removal of everything..
doc did keep my 2 ovaries..
he shift my 2 ovaries to sideway.

he say in case i need to do radiotheraphy,
my ovaries will not be affected, cos shift more sideways..
experienced surgeon knows best.

in case in future i wana have my own baby,
i can have test tube baby.. but need a surrogate mother..
surrogate mother is not allowed in singapore.
maybe can appeal to minister..
--------------------------------

below pics quite disgusting..
dun see if u r weak hearted.

this is my uterus + cervix...
beside it shd be my fallopian tubes..
below some r lymph nodes n duno wat..
yucky hor..

2/9/2010 CT scan

today went CT scan.
it is to see if the cancer cells got spread to other parts of body.
today scan focus is on abdomen.
total cost $800+

this is exactly how it looks like.
there's some pre-steps before can scan

-fast overnite
-when reach the centre, have to drink 2 big cups of "contrast material" mixed with orange..
most difficult is to drink the 2 cups at 1 go.. i almost wana vomit cos too full, and it taste quite yucky.
-have to inject the "contrast material" into body.
needle again... :(
when injected with this contrast material, my body instantly feel a warm sensation to whole body..
esp neck area.. but am ok after awhile..

quoted from here
"An iodine dye (contrast material) is often used to make structures and organs easier to see on the CT pictures. The dye may be used to check blood flow, find tumors, and look for other problems. The dye can be used in different ways. It may be put in a vein (IV) in your arm, or it may be placed into other parts of your body (such as the rectum or a joint) to see those areas better. For some types of CT scans you drink the dye. CT pictures may be taken before and after the dye is used."


-while lying down on the scan table, the nurse insert a tube into my anus to pump this contrast material in.
i ask nurse will i "lao sai" thereafter.. cos pump water in ma..
not really diarrhea la.. but i did go pass abit of watery motion when out..
-then i jus lie down n the bed move front n back gently.

no pain..
the scan is very fast..
but the beforehand preparation takes abit of time.

we reach ard 8.45am..
finish whole thing ard 1015am..
didnt know a scan can be so many steps..

now i just pray hard there's no spread to other parts of body..
my nxt most scary thing is nxt tue n wed chemo :(

----------------------------------------

i had a wild thot..
since im gona loss my hair,
why not i just go shave my hair bald..
then wear a wig straightaway..

cos if hair loss bit by bit also very ugly ah..
n later hse floor/bed full of hair also troublesome..
duno how i'll look like when bald ah..

1/9/2010 i feel very blessed

i've got alot of thots and i feel very blessed


-i feel very lucky tat im in this industry.
it allows me to know wat r the different types of protection and wat kind of protection is important.
thus i insured myself with very high coverage and get a good hospital plan.
my premium is $7000/yr but im willing to pay for protection.
if im not in this industry, i'll definitely not insure myself so much cos i'll not see the importance of it.
or rather i wont be willing to depart $7000/yr jus to buy insurance.


-i recuperate in a very comfortable aircon single bedded room..
this is already way better than alot of patients. 


-a perfect job.. i love my job
i cant work for 3 mths, but im still getting my recurrent income.
i dun really need to apply leave.
i wont be burdened by my work.
i can still service client thru phone.
lucky i've hit my nxt yr yokohama target.
i still have dec,jan,feb to hit my US target


-lucky da gu refer me to doc lim teck chye
doc lim then refer me to doc Koh Cheng Huat for the surgery.
he is a bz bz gynea.
"C.h. Koh Clinic For Women
blk 183 Toa Payoh Central, #01-260 (S)310183 Tel: 62544022 "


his operating skill is very good. his PR skill so so.
nurses in Mt Alvernia say doc koh is a very experience surgeon.
Wertheim's hysterectomy is a major surgery and not all gynea in sg can do this kind of surgery.
so im blessed tat he's the one to do the surgery for me.
time taken to do my ops is faster with pte doc.
if i've stick with KKH, i guess my operation will not be so fast.


Doc koh also refer me to an experience oncology doc See Hui Ti
i think experienced doc is very important.
cos i can get specialised attention from 1 doc.


-i think my cancer stage is the "best deal".
my surgeon remove 57 lymph node, out of tat, only 1 lymph node got spread.

hence there's a need to do chemo/radio.
but its because if this 1 lymph node, my claim is approved.


since i've already removed my uterus and cannot give birth in future, a lump sum of $$ is really a peace of mind to me. this $$ allows me to plan for my old age since i wont have kids.
(i think alot.. like when im old, who will push me in wheelchair...
when im sick, who will acc me to see doc...
if either dear or me pass away 1st, we will lose each other's companionship, will i be lonely...
nursing care n old folks home will be expensive in future, as long as i have $, at least i can still admit into homes etc...)


imagine IF theres no spread of cancer = no need do chemo, but CANNOT claim the lump sum... i think its not worth it.. cos i already remove my whole uterus = no kids, no $$.. i think i'll be more more sad.


to be able to claim critical illness, must be maglinant + SPREADing of cancer cell.
and lucky only spread to ONE lymth node.
at least its a milder spread.


-im fortunate tat dear is also in this industry.
at least his hrs is flexible such tat he can bring me to chemo/see doc.
esp during the coming radiotherapy wks..
its 7 wks of everyday radio.
i dun think anyone can take half day off for 7 wks just to bring wife for treatment.

-i have very understanding in laws.
they dun mind i cant bear them grandchildren.
as long as im well, they r happy liao.
my mum-in-law cooks everyday for me, help me wash dishes n do hsework.


-linking all these pts..
i think tat im really very blessed even though i got cancer.


-everything happens for a reason. learn to appreciate.


-maybe b'cos of my cancer,
i will eat healthier in future,
i will exercise more in future,
i can share my experience with everyone so they can understand the importance of insurance,
i am definitely more convicted to make sure all my clients get all necessary protections
i dun hav to worry abt kids growing up problems...
i definitely cannot take it if my kids r seriously sick etc..
i pray more..
i know tat i've got a perfect husband, and he's one who will not forsake me when times r rough
i treasure & appreciates him more
im touched tat my aunts and uncles love me soooo much
i realise my dad still cares for me
and many more positive reasons..


I must be strong to fight all side effects of chemo/radio
I must be strong to fight watever cancer cells i have in my body.


to all my readers
do not be discouraged by small hiccups in life..
wat can be as bad as contracting cancer..

1/9/2010 1st time meet Oncology doc- Doc See Hui Ti

today i went Mt E to see an oncology doc.

she's doc See Hui Ti
Mt Elizabeth medical centre #13-16
tel:67338118

i like her v much.
she's like me, explain my case very clearly. the thereafter chemo n radio treatment is very well explained too. she give me very amicable feeling.
Tmr I’ll do a CT scan.
it is to chk if there's any cancer cells spread to other parts of body.

actually, in cervix cancer staging, im stage 1b.
BUT in chemo staging, im in stage 3..
i think cos there's lymph node spreading...
my surgeon remove 57 lymph node, out of tat, got 1 lymph node got spread.
hence there's a need to do chemo/radio.

if there's no lymph node spread, then no need to do chemo/radio.
it also means i cannot claim my illness claim.
cos to be able to claim critical illness, must be maglinant + SPREADing of cancer cell.

Nxt tue and wed, I’ll start my 1st shot of chemo.
My chemo is 2 days, then nxt chemo will be 3 wks later.
May have to do 2-3 shots.
So 2 shots will take 6 wks.
Thereafter, will need to do radio+another kind of chemo for 7wks everyday (mon-fri).

Whole process will take 3 mths.
hair loss is certain. but i think im fine with it..
the troublesome thing is poor dear have to bring me to radio everyday for 7 wks.

est i can fully work is in dec.