sec sch buddies

met up with carol, val, JY..
nice to chit chit chat chat..

JY is pregnant again...
val got new sweet bf deliver her ice cream out of nowhere..
n she's super happy...
幸福小女人!
so sweet!

quotas

me: "dear wat time u home? i need to go marketing.. alot things to buy.. very heavy"

so we went NTUC mkting..
carried heavy stuffs home..

awhile later at home..

me: "dear help me hang clothes..."
me: "dear.. throw rubbish"
me: "dear help me keep the charges...."
me: "dear help me..."

dear: "pls pls.. i've reached my housework quotas for today..."

me: "*_*"

tmr quota reset k..
haha...
<3 <3
-------------------

so fast.. our wedding anniversary 3/1..
5 yrs into marriage..
9 yrs into pa-tor-ing..
still sweet n going strong!
-------------------

went back to church again last sun..
will continue to go church every sun..
im happy..

pottery 22/12/10... breakfast 23/12/10... x'mas

finally start to meet my beloved frs..

before my operation, we went do pottery for yx birthday..

this is the part 1 pic..

unpainted

we met up to paint the pottery..

hy n zp cant make it, so dear join in to help out..

mine is the extreme left..

i get tired fast..

so we paint for 1 hr, and after painting,

me n dear leave 1st, cos im v tired..

the colour looks pastel..

but after its been heated,

it'll be darker...

we need to go back again to collect..

but yx will go collect instead liao..

no need we all go.

lifen's

zp's but lifen paint it..

yx's..

jus the 4 of us..

hy's but dear paint it..

not bad hor..

distinctive colours..

--------------------------------

today went Prive w xy n vette for breakfast..

its an atas place..

located at marina keppel bay..

got yacht..

its my 1st time there..

im like "wah wah wah"..

cos i only know One deg 15, didnt know got another place for yacht..

my Prive Ultimate Breakfast..

quite nice..

cost abt $20++.

dear's big ben..

i think its nicer than coffeebeans's..

more expensive too la..

abt $15++.. 

-----------------------------

today is x'mas eve..

only me n dear..

tmr x'mas day im going church party with 大姑 n 2姑..

21/12/10 end of suffer

Am much better now.
Anus cut pain left 10%.
Stil left 1 small cut, but very bearable la..

Sat stay overnite @ ah ma hse.
Love being there..

Today went for appt liao.
Got close case :)
So far strength to talk is ok.
Think hav energy for 1 client/ 1 activity per day.

A fr told me I shd hav a "full stop" entry regarding my cancer n implications etc..

So this shall be it..
Nxt entry shd be "happyjomei" activity liao

Bye bye cancer n all sufferings!!

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15/12/10

Anus cut pain is 10-20% only.
Am glad tat pain is greatly reduced.
But today seems to be more pain.
Its so confusing, yest seems better, today seems more pain. Sigh..

Was out to plaza sing yest to run some errand. Thot I've fully recovered, even put facebk tat I can start meeting frs.

But not really ah..
Out 4hrs I start to get v tired.
Stand 15-20min, need to sit down rest.
Also v scared to go out cos scared suddenly stomach n need to pass motion.
I'm scared of poo outside cos of the anus pain. @ home at least more comfy n got all the antiseptic n cream to apply.

I still can't find back the happy me yet.
But I'm not so down now la..
Shd be improving ba..
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10/12/10 antiseptic

Yesterday mum-law let me try a liquid antiseptic she always use for cuts, say it v gd.

So yest I apply few times, today also apply.

Amazingly, although "sok sok", my anus cut pain reduce 50-60% when poo!!

Can also feel its healing!

Its better than doc medicine!

Thank god!

Shd have use earlier.

and its cheaper than see doc!

Jus now ah ma call me, she sound sad to know my anus cut pain, I'm so 心痛 tat ah ma stil hav to worry abt me.

also hope that my strength/energy recover soon.

so i can start working..

my mood so far so so..

not really happy yet..

7/12/10 finish all treatment

Today is last day of radiotheraphy.
also marks the end of all treatments.
Doc say life is back to normal now.

I shd b jumping w joy, but I dun feel any happiness..
Duno why..

Is it my mood not back yet?
Is it cos anus cut still not recover, so I can't be fully happy? Since its still very painful when pee/poo..
Is it tat I'm not a happy girl anymore?
Have I change to be a pessimistic person now?

I kinda feel lost too..
For past 7 wks, I wake up, take lunch, then go radio, which at least makes me go out of hse everyday.
Now tat I dun need to go radio, wat shd I do everyday?
I dun wana go back work 1st cos anus not recover, n not much energy/strength to talk/be active yet..
Feel tired easily.

I've got a lot of work backlog though.

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1/12/10 - every little thing they do

Every little thing gugu n dear do make me v touched.

Few days ago, 2 gu sms me...

"知道你很辛苦，但希望你坚持下去。在婆婆还没有倒下不起之前，你无论如何都不能放弃活着。姑姑很少求你，但这次要求你忍痛留着小命，将来陪我一起跟婆婆说再见，然后好好跟爱你的Smith生活，跟姑姑旅行…

I knew I need to pick myself up.

Jus now dear help me apply medicine @ anus.
He has to insert finger into my anus.
Its been tough for a big boy to do such meticulous nursing chores.
Last time he help me change the urine tube dressing, clean/bathe me, now he goto insert finger for me, n he's so gentle when doing it.
Its not ez task for dear too..

I thank them for everything they do.
I'm slowly getting better..
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30/11/10 - better

doc tell me no need to do chemo anymore..
today see the rectum doc..
he help me apply medicine..
anus slightly better..
i also figure out how to pee without using too much force..
so tat anus wont "open" too much n wont b so painful..

gu gu sms me to encourage me..
im v touched..
am so sad tat i caused them to worry for me..
will also live properly for them..

cassie did a card for me..
im so touched..
even a little girl also pray for me..
i'll be better..
i  need some time though..

28/11/10

How can anus pain be soooo painful.
Like putting salt onto a wound..
Its hurts hell everytime I go pee n shit..
Its been 3 wks.
This anus pain is making me spiral down everyday.
Cry myself to sleep every nite.
The anus medicine only ease 10% of pain.
No matter how hard I pray, pain won't go..
I dare not eat much, scared too much faeces n have to shit more.

I'm not happy at all even though my radio treatment gona end in 1+ wk's time..

I jus want the anus pain to go off.

I wish my heart can stop beating.
Then I can really rest in peace.
But I can stil feel my heartbeat every nite.
I'm so sad..

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26/11/10

Really wat hav I done to deserve all these pains..

I do not fear death. I fear all the physical n emotional pain. Why I need to suffer all these.

I really wish I was not even born into this world in the 1st place.

I'm really v tired.

Sometimes I wish I'm @ a place where accident happen, n I can jus die.
Then 一了百了.
Fighting to survive for wat?
I duno..
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22/11/10 - rectum doc

today doc see refer me see rectum doc!
Thank god!

Mine is not piles. Its got cut inside. Think cos constipate, then force too much, then got internal cut.
I've to apply 2 cream, have to insert finger into anus, pain is bearable if compared to previous 2 wks hell of pain.

"I can only Keep sobbing n making noise in toilet whenever go urine, cos anus hole also open n in excruciating pain!" Will never forget all toilet crying sessions!
Sobsss to infinity!

1cream is to mildly 嘛醉 anus, so I won't feel soooooo much pain when pass motion.
Then need to apply another cream to heal/relax the internal muscles ba..
Anyway pray hard can heal fast.

Tmr, I'm admiting to Mt E for a radiotheraphy procedure. Its not the normal external 30 second thing.
In terms of radiation, I think its quite a big thing. in terms of "surgery", its a small thing.

I Need to be 嘛醉 one. Then insert a thing into virgina to close range emit radiation. Will b home in afternoon.

I'm scared of wat's the side effect. Will I bleed? Will my anus pain worsen, will my urine efficiency get affected even more.

I'm v fearful these few days too.
Fear go toilet urine/pass motion.
Fear chemo
Fear tmr procedure

So far my chemo today still ok. Not like last wk so bad..

My eyes also suddenly get slight double vision today.
Is it cos I'm too tired?
Am I getting shortsighted?
Is all the crying affecting eyesight?
Or is it cos I watch dramas on the super small ipod nano yest n today?

1 thing for sure, my eyes is smaller now due to massive crying n lack of "soul"/灵魂之窗 is dull n dead.


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20/11/10 - piles cream

this is my saviour!
when apply onto anus.. its abit cooling..
though didnt help super much, but it does soothe my anus pain abit..

it comes w some extension thing where i can insert into anus to squeeze the cream into internal piles..
i pray hard my piles recover soon!

19/11/10 - no more

The piles is driving me crazy.
Is painful.
Plus chemo making me weak n emo n low.
All I can do is cry cry cry.

I've got no more positiveness, no more will power. Find no meaning.
like 活死人, waiting for time to pass with all the treatments. N the pain..


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17/11/10 - worse chemo effect

just 2 days ago, i had my worst chemo..
duno is it i took a break last mon..
hence this wk body cant take it..
this mon the chemo effect is horrible.

i get real weak..
super nauseus..
really got vomit something out..
feel really terrible..

and my internal piles is hurting me too..
everytime i urine, my internal piles will pain me..

am really sad..
i got 2 more wks to go..
nxt wk n following wk..
2 more times chemo..

im really v scared of chemo..
the side effects..

im not happy..

9/11/10 - TCM

this is the mould tat i put on everyday for radio..
its for alignment purpose ba..
when stomach feel bloated..
this mould gets v tight..

by rite radio will make me diarrhea..
chemo makes me constipate...

this few days my anus bleed when pass motion..
its a mix of constipation + loose stools..
weird right..
i 1st time experience too..
but i wld say its more constipation..

my bladder seems to get lazy too..
cos its abit hard to urine normally..
need to use some strength to push urine out..
n its not 1 go.. i need to push n squeeze n push few times..
while pushing.. my anus also got "opened" n its painful..
n some loose loose stools will come out..
but not all...
sigh..
doc see say no external piles..
duno is it internal piles..
anyway im now used to the pain n bleeding..
jus hope everything finish soon..

-------------------------------

Doc See say can go TCM..
se refer me to Yu Ren Shen..
she's Physician Tang Yue.
this is their clinic..
its @ paragon level 13..

my appt is 945am..
after meeting the sinseh..
its only 1030am..
so she let me take a nap in their treatment room..
since its empty..

cos my radio is 2pm..
so i slept till 1130am, then go makan lunch.
good la.. tired oh..
after lunch, i went back to the clinic to mix my medicine powder..

they also have herbal tea...
i just take my time at the recep area to drink the medicine then the herbal tea..
good la.. i dun need to loiter ard paragon waiting for time to pass..

sinseh give me 7 days supply of powder 1st..
its to strengthen my internal organs ba..
cos i internally weak..
total cost ard $90..
i also join yu ren shen member.. got 5% discount..

i hope health can recover fast..

6/11/10

Its been a normal wk.

Wake up, lunch, then go radio, then back home for nap, then dinner, watch tv, sleep.
Its like tat everyday.

I realise I dun really like/want to go out cos dun like to wear wig.
Keep thinking ppl can see tat its a wig..
Got inferior kinda feeling.
Dun like to be in crowd.

Mood not particularly low..
But not in happy mode too.
My 心境不一样了.
Like unable to laugh n b happy like last time.
I duno will I be REAL happy again.
I duno how I'm gona live my life after treatment.

I hope my hair grow out fast so I dun need to wear wig.

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1/11/10 - sweet doc See.. 大姑 birthday pics

suppose to do 6wks of radio + every mon chemo for 6 wks.
Chemo dosage suppose to be milder like 30-50% of full dosage.
At 1st I tot shd be ok, BUT last wk I experience same kind of chemo side effects.
I was thinking I need to do EVERY wk, means every wk need to go thru 3-4 days of side effects.
So I fear.

Told doc See, she say can rest nxt mon, no need do chemo :)
so nice!
Then she ask wats my religion, told her Christianity..
so she sort of can say gods things freely etc..
Hoping to cheer me up n don’t go into depression..
I told her like live got no meaning n got passing thots of wana die.
But she goes on comforting me..

Then she ends off “come give me a hug”
am so shock! so sweet of her!
Haha..
nice doc hor!
see her pic again.

Must be god planting 1 more guardian angel at my side!
I feel tat god is so wonderful!
He did not abandon me n keep sending guardian angels to care for me!

大姑 say
"好像小羊迷路了, 傻傻的不会回家, 牧羊人着急寻找, 把它抱回家:)"

am so touched whenever i think of these..
will tear cos too touched..
touched by the warmth 姑姑 n guardian angels gave me!
duno is it chemo effect or jus simply i love to cry la..

also today i took some hormones medicine cos she say maybe due to all treatments,
my hormones gana menopause kinda symtoms..
like hot flush, sweating, restlessness etc..
hope this natural herbs medicine can help me..

-------------------------

got 大姑 birthday pics liao!

大姑 n bro..

start of the meal...

me n dear..

二姑 n us..

playing standing scissors paper stone w shuning n kaixi..

tired but fun ah..

nice bye bye pic..

all super full!

funny pose!

blessed with such sweet n caring family!

all r important ppl in my life!

30/10/10

Had diarrhoea last nite.
Its due to radio side effect.
Body still sudden hot n cold.

Stil got chemo effect.
Weak n moody.

Really hates chemo side effect.
Am back to a "useless" person, where I jus sleep n sleep.
Duno how to overcome the wkly chemo.
Sob sob..

Though tired n weak, jus now manage to iron some clothes, clean n mop the room.
Am tired but I jus wan rm to be clean la..
Maybe also gd to sweat it out..

Duno how to tahan the remaining 5 wks of chemo-radio.

So unhappy now.
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28/10/10 - 4th day radio

Wake up 11am, took lunch, then became tired again.
Lie on bed then went shower.
Am very tired.
No mood n lesser appetite.

Came back home, sleep again.
My operation wound stitches suddenly become tight tight.
Duno is it due to radio.

Radio mite make my skin dry.
So jus now went to buy dove.
Hope can moisture my skin.
Still feel sudden hot sudden cold.

Feel weaker when walk outside.
I dun like chemo!

27/10/10 - 3rd day radio

today feel very tired..
wake up at 11am..
took lunch n feel real tired..

ZP bought me a power wrist band..
suppose to balance my energy..
been wearing it yesterday..
duno does it affect my tiredness..

after radio, immediately came home sleep..
on fan..
suddenly will feel cold..
when cover blanket, will suddenly feel hot..
so i keep flipping my blanket..
duno is it due to radio side effect..

also feel abit moody, no strength, also abit nauseus..
duno is it chemo effect..

aiyo so many duno wat effect..
manage to pass some motion today..

26/10/10 - 2nd day radio.. shopping at Marina Bay Sand

today radio very fast.. everything took less than 20mins..

then tell dear i feel like walk walk..
so we went MBS..
i've never been there...

the shops only 40% open..
then i went into fendi jus wana see see...
BUT BUT BuT!!!!

bought Fendi shoe!!!
$805... aiyo!!!
but i like it la..
dear also say nice..
cos its mildly heeled..
i can wear to work.. more formal than super flat ballerina shoe
no need wear super high heels la....
haaaa..

------------------------------------------

super super constipate again..
been few days liao..
stone like shit stuck again..
very xing ku..
cos stomach full of shit cannot clear..
sob..

radio mite make me diarrhea..
hopefully come soon la..

25/10/10 - 1st day radio theraphy... celebrate 大姑 birthday

today morning went mild chemo at Gleneagles..
dosage is 30-50% of my full chemo..
this has to be done every mon for 6 wks..
concurrently with my daily radiotherapy at Gleneagles too..
its call Chemo-radiotherapy
sob :(
dun like chemo..
cos i mite still experience constipation n no appetite n moody..
hope not...

in afternoon, i did 1st time radio..
radio procedure is fast n simple..
just lie down n dun move n wait for the machine to rotate..
the "blasting" of radio frequency is just split second..
i dun see any laser or electric or anything..
cant see anything..
maybe got very little bit of warmness at stomach/pelvix area..

this is how the radio machine looks like..

however, the preparation for radio take quite some time..
need to clamp the mold onto my stomach so tat i wont move ard etc..
total spent ard 40min..
the radio only takes 15mins..

anyway the cost for 28wks of radio is $15k..
i also need to pay for wkly chemo which is abt $1100/session..
for 5-6wks.. abt $6600..

so my total hospital + all chemo + radio = $53,000!!!!!
still got pre n post hospital misc things.. also rounds up to be few thousand ba..
lucky Pru pay all... phew..

one concern is whether the follow up chk ups in future is it expensive..
cos future normal reviews is not reimbursable..

-my surgeon: doc Koh Cheng Huat  review shd be ard $60-$100++/time..
need to see him every 3 mths i think.. cos every 3 mths need to do papsmear..

-Chemo doc, doc See Hui Ti
only $60/time..

-Radio doc, doc Yang Tuck Loong..
he's at Gleneagles medical oncology centre.
think his review also cost $100/time..

i think its quite ok la..
cos mine is private ma..
i also dun need medication after all treatment..
so wont have to worry abt medicine cost..

--------------------------------------------

after radio i went back ah ma hse rest..
cos meeting 大姑,二姑,小姑 for dinner..
dear, 姑丈, xinning, shuning, kaixi n bro also join in..
we are celebrating 大姑's birthday..
haha...
大姑 n bro..

this is the start of the meal..

its at a jap restaurant at basement of Jurong Pt..
its buffet style.. its not bad la..
got big big crab claws, mussels, scallop n many jap food..
jus dun have oyster...
i didnt eat all these..
its $42++/pax..

二姑 n us..

i took cook food..
paper soup, abit sushi..
but 姑姑 say better dun eat sushi cos scared the chef hand not clean when wrap sushi..
im still super full cos ate some dessert, chicken etc..
can still eat alot stuff la..
enjoyed ourselves cos its a good gathering..
esp dear join in..

also played games with kaixi..
its standing up and physically gesture scissors, paper, stone.
abit tired la..
as if the whole restuarant is ours..
but fun la..haha..
love all my 姑姑s...

decent bye bye pic..

 funny poses!

we all were super full!

24/10/10 - Life's almost back to normal

Life's like normal now..
just tat i haven start to drive..
haven fully start working..
just service clients thru phone..
once in awhile meet client..
no vigourous sports like swimmin, jogging..

yesterday i spring clean my room...
clear alot of things...
unpack my hospital bag..
clear messy thing on table..
everything keep in drawer properly..

dust and wipe room tables..
clean n mop floor..
maybe due to dust, keep running nose..
use alcohol swabes to wipe controllers, switches n areas tat hand always touch..
but feel very satisfied tat room is clean again..

nite time went MJ with my kakis..
keep sneezing n running nose..
end up lose $.. but im happy..
cos can catch up..

now im back sleeping in own room..
use laptop in own room..
spend most time in room again..

tmr am gona start my mild chemo + everyday radiotheraphy..
for 6 wks.. then treatment fully finish..

duno why.. i can feel that my 心境 is different now..
dun really laugh heartedly..
like something keep bothering me..
n i cant free myself from it..

19/10/10 - went zoo with gu gu n kaixi

today went to the zoo with 3 gu gus..
cos xiao gu is back from US with kaixi..
so brought kaixi to zoo..

i follow too...
its a good weather..
no sunny sun..

me, 2 gu, xiao gu, da gu n cassie..

we spent most of the time at the kids pool..
where kaixi n da gu play with water..
the rest of us sit down relax..

the water is splashed from the elephant..
some kids will stand below jus to wait for the water to come splashing..

we sat on horse carriage...
not fun one..

dun spend $ on it ah..

there's also animal show....

its very simple...

hmmm the zoo really quite small ah..

zoo is not interesting..

but im happy to spend time with my beloved gu gu n cassie..

15/10/10 - miss ah ma n boon lay hse. 2 mths after ops

today is exactly 2 mths after my ops..
ops is on 15/8...
finally survive 2 mths of torture..
----------------------------------

am back to hougang yesterday nite..

duno why...
alot things in my mind..
------------------------------------

i miss ah ma n boon lay hse..
haven been in happy mood when back hougang..
(not tat im sad.. but jus cant make my mood to be truely happy)
time pass real fast at boon lay..
duno why...

i like boon lay airy airy living room..
like the kitchen view n breeze..
like 2 gu's bed..
her bed is the expensive kind..
sleep liao, body wont feel hot one...
amazing rite..

i like things super clean n neat n smells nice at BL..
miss ah ma's food...
(MIL food also nice la.. jus tat too long didnt eat ah ma's food)
miss ah ma's care for me..
like BL hse got clothes dryer
(im so gona buy clothes dryer when i shift to my own new hse..)
clothes all smell so nice! LOVE!
miss accompany ah ma..
translate shows for her..
miss 2 gu...

is really nice to be back 娘家..
my mind is so free, no need think of anything..
no need worry pack n cleaning up etc..
everything's just the way i like it to be..

back hg, room messy.. alot things need to pack..
also haven unpack hospital bag..
alot things to pack pack pack..
n many more others la..
mind suddenly not "free of worries"
sian sian sian...
---------------------------

anyway am gona start my radiotheraphy on 25/10, every mon-fri, for 6 wks..
n every mon gona do mild chemo..
i really dun like chemo cos it'll affect my mood n appetite..
i hope mild one will not affect my mood.

but the ultimate worst time is already over..
when need to do full chemo + got urine tube..
tats the worst ever..
"wana die thots" is constantly in my mind tat time..
-----------------------------------------

some worries over my future new house issue...
(No No... i haven buy hse... haven even view anything yet..)
just some thots..
some things tat i worry mite happen in future n i'll be unhappy abt it..
but i cant do anything abt it...

13/10/2010 - must seek 2nd advice

am thinking thru my pre-cancer and cancer things..

i shd have gone for a 2nd advice when i got the pre-cancer cell thing...
i shd NOT have stuck with KKH...

frankly KKH speed really very slow..
have to wait wks n wks..
even though im under specialist.. not subsidized one..
still slow...

so regret didnt got to pte doc earlier..

so wana remind u guys to always seek 2nd advice..
and dun just blur blur trust govt hospital doc..

11/10/10 - better now

am at ah ma hse since sat..
so fast already mon.

ah ma hse toilet is squat type..
so its abit difficult for me to squat..
end up i use "tam pui" to urine..
haha!.. my butts so big... haha..

this "tam pui" is used by me when i was a toddler!
its a 30 yrs old antique!
ah ma really very thrifty wah...
so surprise she still keep it till now..

urine seems slightly easier now...
as long got urine in bladder..
i can urine out with lesser push..
happy!

also i stand/walk more at boon lay cos ah ma's kitchen view is very good n breezy..
so i'll stand there few mins to see ppl play basketball n enjoy the breeze..

ah ma hse also very windy...

jus now went boon lay shopping centre walk walk..
its a very old shop hses type of shopping..
yet i manage to walk 2 hrs..
practically comb every inch n every shop..
jus to see see look look n walk..

am so happy the toughest time is over...
still goto do mild chemo + radiotheraphy in the coming 6-7wks..
but i think it wont be as bad liao..

8/10/10 - went out myself today!

so happy i can:
-sleep sideways..
havent been lying sideways since ops.. abt 8wks... i've been jus lying flat at back...
but abit hard to breathe when lie sideway.. duno why..
-stand under shower..
scrub my body today.. cos sure alot dead skin..
-squat down..
-do abit hsework.. like washing plates..
room is messy.. cos dear dun pack room one..
will pack nxt wk when i back..

today went hg mall do pedicure..
toe nails is very long and alot dead skin...
didnt do colouring.. more of trimming nails n cuticles..

then stroll in the mall for 1hr...
happy.. though i walk slow..
cos my stomach wound is still havent fully recover yet..
so sometimes got prickly pain..

then dear fetch me home..
in evening, i went home downstairs small mall walk walk again..
stroll another 1 hr..
am stuck in jap store.. slowly scan the things from "head to toe"..
haha..

my botak head got alot of pimples..
duno is it due to chemo outbreak..

going ah ma hse tmr-wed..
dear gona send MIL to airport..
so i intend to go airport walk walk again..
haa...

6/10/10 - remove urine catheter.. lemon water is good

Today finally remove the irritating urine catheter..
duno why.. not exactly super happy..
guess cos worry cos need to use some force to urine out..
not fully naturally urine..
so worried how will be the impact..

jaga my urine output..
abit worried cos from 11am-3pm (after remove urine tube),
my urine output is v v little (50cc).. jus cant seem to squeeze  more urine out.
worried.. but maybe also cos i didnt drink alot water too..
finally at 4pm, after a nap, i urine 400cc!
tats a good amt..
so its cos i didnt drink enuf water..
phew phew phew...

am gona jaga my urine these 2 days..
then maybe tmr/ fri, go do pedicure..
cos feet alot dead skin..

havent been taking shower since discharge..
cos of the urine tube..
have been wiping body..
n washing below only...
lucky i dun really have smelly body..
so wipe still ok...
today can finally stand under the shower to take a good nice shower!

------------------------------------

am drink lime water today..
MIL fr squeeze concentrated Lime juice in a bottle for her..
i mix in water bottle...
am gona drink lemon/lime water daily..

u can also squeeze the lemon/lime juice n make it into ice cubes..
so u can jus mix into a cup of water everyday..
see below link for the benefits
Drinking Lemon Water is Good!

5/10/10 - making gd progress.. water..

tried self urine yesterday n today..
chemo effect slowly subside since yesterday..
appetite slowly come back..
mood also better..
chest will suddenly have burning sensation..
body suddenly v hot..
also my gum abit pain..
duno due to chemo or heaty or wisdom tooth...
brush at least 3 times a day...
chemo makes my mouth weird feeling..
like very thick..
tired but cant unable to fall sleep..
weird mind..

walking will aid my muslces ard bladder recover, so walked round n round abit at home..

yesterday self urine measuring result is good..
try again today..
seems gd too till now..
if everything ok at end of the day, tmr i can remove the urine tube!

acutally abit scared..
on 1 hand i wana remove urine tube fast..
this sat-wed, MIL go overseas..
i wish to go ah ma hse stay, so no need to eat outside food for 5 days x 2 meals.
not v gd for me while still under chemo effect..
so the WANT to remove tube is high..

mixed feeling..
although my measuring result is gd..
i do use abit/some force to push urine out...
n i set alarm to go urine every 1-1.5hr
i scared over-exert my bladder cos some "force" is used..

doc say i shd not face difficulty in urine..
but i duno force abit is it consider got difficulty..
i scared after remove tube i got problem..

but i analyse, after remove tube..
-i can walk more, which will help improve muscles ard bladder..
-i need to set alarm to remind myself to go urine every 2 hrs??
(but during normal times, i dun go urine every 2 hrs.. we only go when got sensation.. which means when bladder is full) so this is 1 problem im scared of.. now i fix a time to go urine.. i have wana urine feeling.. but duno accurate or not..
-wat if im sleeping? i realise my urine bag is super super full (ard 700-800cc) when wake up in morning..
does tat mean tat i need to set alarm to go urine in wee hrs? i think im gona do tat for a start..
-definitely can go out walk walk like normal ppl liao..

so i think i'll still go ahead to remove tube.. even though i need to use some force to remove tube..

------------------------------------------
went online n saw this..
things tat i didnt knew before..
take a look..
its gd for ur health..

importance of water..

-As soon as you wake up, drink one to four eight-ounce glasses of room-temperature or slightly heated water through a straw. If you drink water from a glass or a bottle, you consume mostly air and feel bloated from all the air in your stomach. When you drink through a straw, you consume 95 percent water. You can drink four times as much before you feel full.


-Add two teaspoons of freshly squeezed lemon or lime juice to your water three times a day: upon rising, mid-afternoon, and in your final water intake in the evening. The juice will help alkalize your body and neutralize acids created from digesting certain foods or normal cellular metabolism.


-One-half hour before each of your three meals drink one to two, eight-ounce glasses of water through a straw. If you do not have enough water in your stomach, digestion is impaired. Also, if the blood becomes too thick after eating because of lack of water, the blood will try to draw water from the cells. Water intake should precede food intake by half an hour. (Unfortunately, coffee, soft drinks, beer and regular tea do not count as daily water needs. Fruit and veggie juices do!)


-Never drink while you are eating. The liquid flushes through the stomach quickly into the small intestine. It will dilute and drain some of the digestive juices out of the stomach. This spells stress, as the body must secrete more digestive enzymes. If you continue to consume liquid while you eat, your body’s signals get confused. The stomach says, “Quick, there are no enzymes. Secrete more,” The body says, “What’s wrong? Just sent some!”


-Wait at least two hours after any meal, especially supper, to consume your last water of the evening. Fresh fruit juices or vegetable juices count as a glass of water, as do unsweetened herbal teas.

-Wherever you go, carry a full water container with a secure lid and a straw. Get into the habit of continually drinking from your container throughout the day to stay pre-hydrated. If you consume lots of water-rich fresh fruits and vegetables, they will easily provide you with two or three eight-ounce glasses

3/10/10

Duno why, this 2nd rd chemo effect seems longer.

today still feel heavy hearted, chest burning sensation, lethargic, no appetite, sleepy, moody, no strength to talk. Can't swallow water too. Like throat got something blocking.. Keep feeling nauseus..
No constipate though..

Neck n chest feels "blue-black' kinda pain when pressed lightly.

Yesterday suppose to try self urine, but before I even try, overflows again..
Wats new rite.. Super demoralised.
So feel like giving up everything!
Give up trying, give up living..

Cried in toilet feeling super helpless.
Hate why I need to live like tat..
(Chemo always cause my mood to b super low n dun feel like living anymore.. I keep telling dear I wana die.. Wish I can die, so gd can die n not suffer etc..)

I need to drink sufficient water so I can fill up bladder, so can try to self urine. The nauseus feeling n no appetite n heavy hearted feel, makes me unable to drink..

How to try urine like tat..
Also need to go toilet every 1-2hrs to try.. But chemo makes me tired, I keep sleeping.

No appetite to eat meals, but when lie down on bed, feels hungry..
When mum in law cook, the hse is filled with food smell.. Makes me nauseus too..
I hate to eat medicine!

Pls pls pls!!
I really wana stop all the torture!
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

1/10/10 - 3rd day after chemo

Its tough..

Really need a lot courage to continue living.. Esp with a urine tube tat hinders all actions..

Heavy hearted..
Chest discomfort.. Like burning sensation.
No appetite again.
only got appetite for sweet things..
Like milo, cake etc..
Emo guess due to chemo..
Weight drop 1.5kg these 2 days.
Not so much constipation.

Very tired but can't deep sleep.
Lie on bed, suddenly will feel cold, suddenly feel hot.. Uncomfortable..

Pls let time pass fast!
Its been 1.5 mths since ops in 15/8.
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

29-9-2010 - 2nd day 2nd session chemo

today is my 2nd day of 2nd session chemo..
hopefully this will be my last big chemo..

if my urine tube can be removed within 3 wks, then most likely i dun 3rd session chemo.
can go ahead with radio liao..
i really hope dun need to do 3rd session chemo..
been wearing wig these 2 days..
cos patches at back is super obvious when wear cap..

today i feel nauseus.. effect of wana vomit is abit more than 1st session.
but im not so weak like 1st session..
yesterday didnt sleep too much like 1st time..
yesterday only slept ard 1.5 hrs

today didnt sleep at all..
duno why.. unable to sleep..

afternoon mum-in-law fr came help me shave cleanly my 1cm hair..
cos patches v ugly.. also hair keep falling off..
im v sleepy thereafter..
went bed 3-5pm..
but duno why.. didnt deep sleep...

my hair 26/9/10.. mild hair fall

my hair 27/9/10... heavy hair fall

my hair 29/9/10.. after shave thoroughly

27/9/10- not so hopeful day

jus now went see doc..
i showed him the urine recording..
so disappointed..
cannot remove tube yet..

bladder only recover ard 40%..
still need to have the tube for some time..
im worried cos the tube seems to come out abit..
n its pulling my flesh.. cos the tube is sewed onto flesh to hold it..
frequently will have sudden prickly pain at sewed area..
i also cannot walk to fast or big step..
worried will pull the tube..
arggg...
if no tube, i can actually go out more..
-----------------------------------
am sad to sad more obvious patches on head...

this is yesterday.....

jus 1 day.. n see the big difference!
today i wore a cap, so u can see the "ring" at top of head...
below left side has more fallen hair...
maybe last nite i sleep with head face left ba...
sad...
------------------------
tmr and wed 2nd round chemo..
dont like..  :(