thots

was chatting w 2 姑 while on way to church today..
realize that some of my entries where i say wish can die etc..
make 姑姑s very worried..
they thot i went into depression...
and worried i may really do silly things..

now i recall..
i am clear tat im feeling really low..
i do WISH things can happen to make me less torturing..
maybe im on way to depression???
but i dare not do anything silly in reality...
all those entries are just thots..
im still very rational/logical even when i pen down those negative thots
lucky 姑姑s n dear always stand by me so i can still remain rational..

when i was lying on bed feeling real low..
my way to disperse my unhappiness is to pen it down..
it really do help after expressing it out.
im way too lazy to even stand up to really DO silly things..
i just wana record down how i felt at tat moment..
so now as i look back, i can understand again how i feel tat time..
and it hurts (even now as i read back)..
but im fine now.. dun worry ah..

i guess it also serves as a reference to frs reading it..
in case ur frs n relatives have cancer..
u r able to relate as u've know abit more from my blog..
wat's our thots n feelings day by day..

actually im really scared i may get another cancer.. eg breast cancer..
cos im only 30 n still a long way to live..
i duno whether i can go thru another round...

--------------------------------------

anyway im grateful tat i spend x'mas "correctly"..
i was still feeling abit sad tat there nothing on for me on x'mas eve..
cos on facebk, everyone's like gift exchanging/gathering/dinner/partying..
whereas im just with dear..

but on x'mas day itself, i went to 大姑's church..
i reflect on the meaning of x'mas..
and im glad tat i spent it in the most meaningful way...
listen to god's words..
which  我脱离了 10+yrs..
no big fanciful partying/gift exchanging/countdown etc..
just back to god's arm..
and its enuf for me liao..

yesterday bro gave me this..
just nice..
start a brand new yr with daily readup..
inside got date one...
1 day 1 pg..

then i saw 2 姑's drawer got this...
haha.. gona read this...
jus nice for me cos i lose interest in reading easily..
this is easy n fast to have a glance..