was back at ah ma hse today...
bro came home...
n grandma went out...
so i had abit of chit chat with bro while having dinner...
suddenly i realise tat i din have much memory of me n bro when we r young..
even though we r staying together..
it seems like i duno anything abt him...
no recall of any happy moments etc..
i cant recall how's his study...
hows his thots...
his likings n dislike...
i din bring him out etc...
i ask him when n why we started not talking...
then he rem... he said "it must be tat can thing"
then i was like "huh! wat can thing?"
i even forgot wat happen...
so i ask him wat happen..
its really small thing like i exchange the mixuture powder for the instant noodle n when he cook the noodle.. turns out its not the curry flavor tat he wants.. so both like angry over it..
then i bought some can food... then he ate it n i got angry too..
n i would say bad things to him like "u sure fail one la"..
n many other small things i guess..
ever since, we din talk to one another... for many many yrs..
i feel so bad abt this...
im his elder sis n we effectively like have no parents to care for us..
i shd treat him better instead of boycott him...
n leave his upbringing to my aunt...
i've so immature then...
while chit chatting, bro said he still rem tat when he was pri sch, his wallet got lost..
n he cried.. so i gave him like few dollars.. n he's so happy..
i also gave him money to buy digimon/tamagochi etc...
n he still rem!
im so surprise he rem such small thing...
n i totally forgot almost like everything abt him when young...
yet he rem all the good n bad things tat have happened...
esp the bad things... (how i wish he can forget abt them)
aint i a bad bad sis...
now im so regretting over this..
n hope tat i can travel back time to do better...
so tat he can have better childhood memory...
i guess parents divorce has a part in this...
cos i rem i had to wipe his ass when he's shitting..
tats when i was only 10 yrs old n he's only 4 ..
n of cos i hate to wipe ppl ass la...
maybe cos we dun really have parents to take care of us..
i tend to be more independent n have the "cannot be eaten by others" kinda attitude..
hence im rather ego n authoritative...
my such authoritative attitude has smoothen alot over these yrs..
im like no ego n pride anymore... watever is fine la...
i rem when i was a kid, i keep pestering my mum to give me a baby bro/sister to play with...
but when i have one, i dun take gd care/love him enuf..
so pls show care n love for your child...
try not to divorce too...
else its really bad for kids...
we're lucky tat me n bro din turn for the worse...
i really hope tat i can travel back time to treat him better..
but its impossible..
pls dun have the regret tat im having now..
its really 我心里永远的痛&遗憾
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