bz wk.. holiday in sg

am very bz last few days..

either bz viewing hse..

almost down a condo..

but after doing some calculation..

we put on hold..

maybe will buy hdb instead..

not sure yet..

then meet client..

really 1 day 1 activity only..

2 activities makes me super tired n shag out..

then rush to finish up my co-authored book for yr 2010..

this one is 2009 one..

this is 2008 one..

really tired to write just a few pg oh..

this wk finally can rest n relax..

nothing to rush..

-----------------------------

how to lengthen ur holiday..

Magical Aurora!

saw lisa's pic..
she went Tromsø, Norway and saw Aurora..


i melt jus by seeing her pic.
i wana go.. will start to plan!
alaska also can see...


download some pic online!
melt melt melt!
you can see video too
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNb-eCy5ZcI

hello hair 3-1-2011

this was when im bald...

hello my hair today..

abt 1-1.5cm liao..

very soft.. like baby's hair..
my side burn quite long hor..

------------------------

happy 5th yr marriage..

thots

was chatting w 2 姑 while on way to church today..
realize that some of my entries where i say wish can die etc..
make 姑姑s very worried..
they thot i went into depression...
and worried i may really do silly things..

now i recall..
i am clear tat im feeling really low..
i do WISH things can happen to make me less torturing..
maybe im on way to depression???
but i dare not do anything silly in reality...
all those entries are just thots..
im still very rational/logical even when i pen down those negative thots
lucky 姑姑s n dear always stand by me so i can still remain rational..

when i was lying on bed feeling real low..
my way to disperse my unhappiness is to pen it down..
it really do help after expressing it out.
im way too lazy to even stand up to really DO silly things..
i just wana record down how i felt at tat moment..
so now as i look back, i can understand again how i feel tat time..
and it hurts (even now as i read back)..
but im fine now.. dun worry ah..

i guess it also serves as a reference to frs reading it..
in case ur frs n relatives have cancer..
u r able to relate as u've know abit more from my blog..
wat's our thots n feelings day by day..

actually im really scared i may get another cancer.. eg breast cancer..
cos im only 30 n still a long way to live..
i duno whether i can go thru another round...

--------------------------------------

anyway im grateful tat i spend x'mas "correctly"..
i was still feeling abit sad tat there nothing on for me on x'mas eve..
cos on facebk, everyone's like gift exchanging/gathering/dinner/partying..
whereas im just with dear..

but on x'mas day itself, i went to 大姑's church..
i reflect on the meaning of x'mas..
and im glad tat i spent it in the most meaningful way...
listen to god's words..
which  我脱离了 10+yrs..
no big fanciful partying/gift exchanging/countdown etc..
just back to god's arm..
and its enuf for me liao..

yesterday bro gave me this..
just nice..
start a brand new yr with daily readup..
inside got date one...
1 day 1 pg..

then i saw 2 姑's drawer got this...
haha.. gona read this...
jus nice for me cos i lose interest in reading easily..
this is easy n fast to have a glance..

New yr gathering

went yx new hse for new yr countdown..

i brought along this yummy mango cake..

made by MIL's fr..

i like cos cake is not so sweet n the mango is very fresh n sweet..

cake's sponge is abit hard they say..

but overall still v nice..

while we girls r at kitchen preparing dinner..

the 2 guys r sitting chatting n waiting...

we had fun preparing..

we all like duno how to cook macaroni.. rice..

so got mild chaotic..

but still fun...

yx's chawanmushi..

so 厉害... know how to do..

apparently its quite ez..

taste nice..

preparing the flour mixture for okonomiyaki, japanese cabbage pancake..

fen beat most of it..

i jus take over to pose for pic..

haaa..

fen teaching us make handroll

its really ez..

jus cook jap rice..

mix some jap vinegar into rice..

then roll..

the jap rice need to be cooled before wrapping..

so fen cool in front of fan..

so funny..

lay the seaweed, press rice..

squeeze Mayonnaise.. put crab meat..

jap pickle.. crab roe etc..

then wrap..

1st time doing hand roll..

its really ez to prepare n do..

n it taste nice!

yx/hy/fen fried the jap cabbage pancake...

taste good too..

yx talented oh...

all 1st time do..

she jus read instruction...

as zp came late...

she had to do washing...

hahaha..

and we all jus watch her wash...

so funny...

thereafter, we played different style taboo..

1st we jus jus explain the taboo word..

then we change to using action.. charade..

then we change to passing action charade..

the word is shown to 1st person, then pass down the action to 2nd n 3rd..

last person must guess the ans...

its was sooo funny..

see below..



can u guess the ans?

its "hungry ghost festival"

but MQ tot its "七孔流血"

haaa...

others are more censored actions...

like "dick lee", "virgin", "kumar" etc..

haaa..

overall i had a great time..

esp not ez to gather all of us..

however, i dun really have any "wish" for 2011..

like sian of even wishing la..

am i being pessimistic?

sec sch buddies

met up with carol, val, JY..
nice to chit chit chat chat..

JY is pregnant again...
val got new sweet bf deliver her ice cream out of nowhere..
n she's super happy...
幸福小女人!
so sweet!

quotas

me: "dear wat time u home? i need to go marketing.. alot things to buy.. very heavy"

so we went NTUC mkting..
carried heavy stuffs home..

awhile later at home..

me: "dear help me hang clothes..."
me: "dear.. throw rubbish"
me: "dear help me keep the charges...."
me: "dear help me..."

dear: "pls pls.. i've reached my housework quotas for today..."

me: "*_*"

tmr quota reset k..
haha...
<3 <3
-------------------

so fast.. our wedding anniversary 3/1..
5 yrs into marriage..
9 yrs into pa-tor-ing..
still sweet n going strong!
-------------------

went back to church again last sun..
will continue to go church every sun..
im happy..

pottery 22/12/10... breakfast 23/12/10... x'mas

finally start to meet my beloved frs..

before my operation, we went do pottery for yx birthday..

this is the part 1 pic..

unpainted

we met up to paint the pottery..

hy n zp cant make it, so dear join in to help out..

mine is the extreme left..

i get tired fast..

so we paint for 1 hr, and after painting,

me n dear leave 1st, cos im v tired..

the colour looks pastel..

but after its been heated,

it'll be darker...

we need to go back again to collect..

but yx will go collect instead liao..

no need we all go.

lifen's

zp's but lifen paint it..

yx's..

jus the 4 of us..

hy's but dear paint it..

not bad hor..

distinctive colours..

--------------------------------

today went Prive w xy n vette for breakfast..

its an atas place..

located at marina keppel bay..

got yacht..

its my 1st time there..

im like "wah wah wah"..

cos i only know One deg 15, didnt know got another place for yacht..

my Prive Ultimate Breakfast..

quite nice..

cost abt $20++.

dear's big ben..

i think its nicer than coffeebeans's..

more expensive too la..

abt $15++.. 

-----------------------------

today is x'mas eve..

only me n dear..

tmr x'mas day im going church party with 大姑 n 2姑..

21/12/10 end of suffer

Am much better now.
Anus cut pain left 10%.
Stil left 1 small cut, but very bearable la..

Sat stay overnite @ ah ma hse.
Love being there..

Today went for appt liao.
Got close case :)
So far strength to talk is ok.
Think hav energy for 1 client/ 1 activity per day.

A fr told me I shd hav a "full stop" entry regarding my cancer n implications etc..

So this shall be it..
Nxt entry shd be "happyjomei" activity liao

Bye bye cancer n all sufferings!!

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

15/12/10

Anus cut pain is 10-20% only.
Am glad tat pain is greatly reduced.
But today seems to be more pain.
Its so confusing, yest seems better, today seems more pain. Sigh..

Was out to plaza sing yest to run some errand. Thot I've fully recovered, even put facebk tat I can start meeting frs.

But not really ah..
Out 4hrs I start to get v tired.
Stand 15-20min, need to sit down rest.
Also v scared to go out cos scared suddenly stomach n need to pass motion.
I'm scared of poo outside cos of the anus pain. @ home at least more comfy n got all the antiseptic n cream to apply.

I still can't find back the happy me yet.
But I'm not so down now la..
Shd be improving ba..
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

10/12/10 antiseptic

Yesterday mum-law let me try a liquid antiseptic she always use for cuts, say it v gd.

So yest I apply few times, today also apply.

Amazingly, although "sok sok", my anus cut pain reduce 50-60% when poo!!

Can also feel its healing!

Its better than doc medicine!

Thank god!

Shd have use earlier.

and its cheaper than see doc!

Jus now ah ma call me, she sound sad to know my anus cut pain, I'm so 心痛 tat ah ma stil hav to worry abt me.

also hope that my strength/energy recover soon.

so i can start working..

my mood so far so so..

not really happy yet..

7/12/10 finish all treatment

Today is last day of radiotheraphy.
also marks the end of all treatments.
Doc say life is back to normal now.

I shd b jumping w joy, but I dun feel any happiness..
Duno why..

Is it my mood not back yet?
Is it cos anus cut still not recover, so I can't be fully happy? Since its still very painful when pee/poo..
Is it tat I'm not a happy girl anymore?
Have I change to be a pessimistic person now?

I kinda feel lost too..
For past 7 wks, I wake up, take lunch, then go radio, which at least makes me go out of hse everyday.
Now tat I dun need to go radio, wat shd I do everyday?
I dun wana go back work 1st cos anus not recover, n not much energy/strength to talk/be active yet..
Feel tired easily.

I've got a lot of work backlog though.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

1/12/10 - every little thing they do

Every little thing gugu n dear do make me v touched.

Few days ago, 2 gu sms me...

"知道你很辛苦，但希望你坚持下去。在婆婆还没有倒下不起之前，你无论如何都不能放弃活着。姑姑很少求你，但这次要求你忍痛留着小命，将来陪我一起跟婆婆说再见，然后好好跟爱你的Smith生活，跟姑姑旅行…

I knew I need to pick myself up.

Jus now dear help me apply medicine @ anus.
He has to insert finger into my anus.
Its been tough for a big boy to do such meticulous nursing chores.
Last time he help me change the urine tube dressing, clean/bathe me, now he goto insert finger for me, n he's so gentle when doing it.
Its not ez task for dear too..

I thank them for everything they do.
I'm slowly getting better..
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

30/11/10 - better

doc tell me no need to do chemo anymore..
today see the rectum doc..
he help me apply medicine..
anus slightly better..
i also figure out how to pee without using too much force..
so tat anus wont "open" too much n wont b so painful..

gu gu sms me to encourage me..
im v touched..
am so sad tat i caused them to worry for me..
will also live properly for them..

cassie did a card for me..
im so touched..
even a little girl also pray for me..
i'll be better..
i  need some time though..

28/11/10

How can anus pain be soooo painful.
Like putting salt onto a wound..
Its hurts hell everytime I go pee n shit..
Its been 3 wks.
This anus pain is making me spiral down everyday.
Cry myself to sleep every nite.
The anus medicine only ease 10% of pain.
No matter how hard I pray, pain won't go..
I dare not eat much, scared too much faeces n have to shit more.

I'm not happy at all even though my radio treatment gona end in 1+ wk's time..

I jus want the anus pain to go off.

I wish my heart can stop beating.
Then I can really rest in peace.
But I can stil feel my heartbeat every nite.
I'm so sad..

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

26/11/10

Really wat hav I done to deserve all these pains..

I do not fear death. I fear all the physical n emotional pain. Why I need to suffer all these.

I really wish I was not even born into this world in the 1st place.

I'm really v tired.

Sometimes I wish I'm @ a place where accident happen, n I can jus die.
Then 一了百了.
Fighting to survive for wat?
I duno..
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

22/11/10 - rectum doc

today doc see refer me see rectum doc!
Thank god!

Mine is not piles. Its got cut inside. Think cos constipate, then force too much, then got internal cut.
I've to apply 2 cream, have to insert finger into anus, pain is bearable if compared to previous 2 wks hell of pain.

"I can only Keep sobbing n making noise in toilet whenever go urine, cos anus hole also open n in excruciating pain!" Will never forget all toilet crying sessions!
Sobsss to infinity!

1cream is to mildly 嘛醉 anus, so I won't feel soooooo much pain when pass motion.
Then need to apply another cream to heal/relax the internal muscles ba..
Anyway pray hard can heal fast.

Tmr, I'm admiting to Mt E for a radiotheraphy procedure. Its not the normal external 30 second thing.
In terms of radiation, I think its quite a big thing. in terms of "surgery", its a small thing.

I Need to be 嘛醉 one. Then insert a thing into virgina to close range emit radiation. Will b home in afternoon.

I'm scared of wat's the side effect. Will I bleed? Will my anus pain worsen, will my urine efficiency get affected even more.

I'm v fearful these few days too.
Fear go toilet urine/pass motion.
Fear chemo
Fear tmr procedure

So far my chemo today still ok. Not like last wk so bad..

My eyes also suddenly get slight double vision today.
Is it cos I'm too tired?
Am I getting shortsighted?
Is all the crying affecting eyesight?
Or is it cos I watch dramas on the super small ipod nano yest n today?

1 thing for sure, my eyes is smaller now due to massive crying n lack of "soul"/灵魂之窗 is dull n dead.


Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

20/11/10 - piles cream

this is my saviour!
when apply onto anus.. its abit cooling..
though didnt help super much, but it does soothe my anus pain abit..

it comes w some extension thing where i can insert into anus to squeeze the cream into internal piles..
i pray hard my piles recover soon!

19/11/10 - no more

The piles is driving me crazy.
Is painful.
Plus chemo making me weak n emo n low.
All I can do is cry cry cry.

I've got no more positiveness, no more will power. Find no meaning.
like 活死人, waiting for time to pass with all the treatments. N the pain..


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17/11/10 - worse chemo effect

just 2 days ago, i had my worst chemo..
duno is it i took a break last mon..
hence this wk body cant take it..
this mon the chemo effect is horrible.

i get real weak..
super nauseus..
really got vomit something out..
feel really terrible..

and my internal piles is hurting me too..
everytime i urine, my internal piles will pain me..

am really sad..
i got 2 more wks to go..
nxt wk n following wk..
2 more times chemo..

im really v scared of chemo..
the side effects..

im not happy..

9/11/10 - TCM

this is the mould tat i put on everyday for radio..
its for alignment purpose ba..
when stomach feel bloated..
this mould gets v tight..

by rite radio will make me diarrhea..
chemo makes me constipate...

this few days my anus bleed when pass motion..
its a mix of constipation + loose stools..
weird right..
i 1st time experience too..
but i wld say its more constipation..

my bladder seems to get lazy too..
cos its abit hard to urine normally..
need to use some strength to push urine out..
n its not 1 go.. i need to push n squeeze n push few times..
while pushing.. my anus also got "opened" n its painful..
n some loose loose stools will come out..
but not all...
sigh..
doc see say no external piles..
duno is it internal piles..
anyway im now used to the pain n bleeding..
jus hope everything finish soon..

-------------------------------

Doc See say can go TCM..
se refer me to Yu Ren Shen..
she's Physician Tang Yue.
this is their clinic..
its @ paragon level 13..

my appt is 945am..
after meeting the sinseh..
its only 1030am..
so she let me take a nap in their treatment room..
since its empty..

cos my radio is 2pm..
so i slept till 1130am, then go makan lunch.
good la.. tired oh..
after lunch, i went back to the clinic to mix my medicine powder..

they also have herbal tea...
i just take my time at the recep area to drink the medicine then the herbal tea..
good la.. i dun need to loiter ard paragon waiting for time to pass..

sinseh give me 7 days supply of powder 1st..
its to strengthen my internal organs ba..
cos i internally weak..
total cost ard $90..
i also join yu ren shen member.. got 5% discount..

i hope health can recover fast..

6/11/10

Its been a normal wk.

Wake up, lunch, then go radio, then back home for nap, then dinner, watch tv, sleep.
Its like tat everyday.

I realise I dun really like/want to go out cos dun like to wear wig.
Keep thinking ppl can see tat its a wig..
Got inferior kinda feeling.
Dun like to be in crowd.

Mood not particularly low..
But not in happy mode too.
My 心境不一样了.
Like unable to laugh n b happy like last time.
I duno will I be REAL happy again.
I duno how I'm gona live my life after treatment.

I hope my hair grow out fast so I dun need to wear wig.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

1/11/10 - sweet doc See.. 大姑 birthday pics

suppose to do 6wks of radio + every mon chemo for 6 wks.
Chemo dosage suppose to be milder like 30-50% of full dosage.
At 1st I tot shd be ok, BUT last wk I experience same kind of chemo side effects.
I was thinking I need to do EVERY wk, means every wk need to go thru 3-4 days of side effects.
So I fear.

Told doc See, she say can rest nxt mon, no need do chemo :)
so nice!
Then she ask wats my religion, told her Christianity..
so she sort of can say gods things freely etc..
Hoping to cheer me up n don’t go into depression..
I told her like live got no meaning n got passing thots of wana die.
But she goes on comforting me..

Then she ends off “come give me a hug”
am so shock! so sweet of her!
Haha..
nice doc hor!
see her pic again.

Must be god planting 1 more guardian angel at my side!
I feel tat god is so wonderful!
He did not abandon me n keep sending guardian angels to care for me!

大姑 say
"好像小羊迷路了, 傻傻的不会回家, 牧羊人着急寻找, 把它抱回家:)"

am so touched whenever i think of these..
will tear cos too touched..
touched by the warmth 姑姑 n guardian angels gave me!
duno is it chemo effect or jus simply i love to cry la..

also today i took some hormones medicine cos she say maybe due to all treatments,
my hormones gana menopause kinda symtoms..
like hot flush, sweating, restlessness etc..
hope this natural herbs medicine can help me..

-------------------------

got 大姑 birthday pics liao!

大姑 n bro..

start of the meal...

me n dear..

二姑 n us..

playing standing scissors paper stone w shuning n kaixi..

tired but fun ah..

nice bye bye pic..

all super full!

funny pose!

blessed with such sweet n caring family!

all r important ppl in my life!