30/11/10 - better

doc tell me no need to do chemo anymore..
today see the rectum doc..
he help me apply medicine..
anus slightly better..
i also figure out how to pee without using too much force..
so tat anus wont "open" too much n wont b so painful..

gu gu sms me to encourage me..
im v touched..
am so sad tat i caused them to worry for me..
will also live properly for them..

cassie did a card for me..
im so touched..
even a little girl also pray for me..
i'll be better..
i  need some time though..

28/11/10

How can anus pain be soooo painful.
Like putting salt onto a wound..
Its hurts hell everytime I go pee n shit..
Its been 3 wks.
This anus pain is making me spiral down everyday.
Cry myself to sleep every nite.
The anus medicine only ease 10% of pain.
No matter how hard I pray, pain won't go..
I dare not eat much, scared too much faeces n have to shit more.

I'm not happy at all even though my radio treatment gona end in 1+ wk's time..

I jus want the anus pain to go off.

I wish my heart can stop beating.
Then I can really rest in peace.
But I can stil feel my heartbeat every nite.
I'm so sad..

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

26/11/10

Really wat hav I done to deserve all these pains..

I do not fear death. I fear all the physical n emotional pain. Why I need to suffer all these.

I really wish I was not even born into this world in the 1st place.

I'm really v tired.

Sometimes I wish I'm @ a place where accident happen, n I can jus die.
Then 一了百了.
Fighting to survive for wat?
I duno..
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

22/11/10 - rectum doc

today doc see refer me see rectum doc!
Thank god!

Mine is not piles. Its got cut inside. Think cos constipate, then force too much, then got internal cut.
I've to apply 2 cream, have to insert finger into anus, pain is bearable if compared to previous 2 wks hell of pain.

"I can only Keep sobbing n making noise in toilet whenever go urine, cos anus hole also open n in excruciating pain!" Will never forget all toilet crying sessions!
Sobsss to infinity!

1cream is to mildly 嘛醉 anus, so I won't feel soooooo much pain when pass motion.
Then need to apply another cream to heal/relax the internal muscles ba..
Anyway pray hard can heal fast.

Tmr, I'm admiting to Mt E for a radiotheraphy procedure. Its not the normal external 30 second thing.
In terms of radiation, I think its quite a big thing. in terms of "surgery", its a small thing.

I Need to be 嘛醉 one. Then insert a thing into virgina to close range emit radiation. Will b home in afternoon.

I'm scared of wat's the side effect. Will I bleed? Will my anus pain worsen, will my urine efficiency get affected even more.

I'm v fearful these few days too.
Fear go toilet urine/pass motion.
Fear chemo
Fear tmr procedure

So far my chemo today still ok. Not like last wk so bad..

My eyes also suddenly get slight double vision today.
Is it cos I'm too tired?
Am I getting shortsighted?
Is all the crying affecting eyesight?
Or is it cos I watch dramas on the super small ipod nano yest n today?

1 thing for sure, my eyes is smaller now due to massive crying n lack of "soul"/灵魂之窗 is dull n dead.


Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

20/11/10 - piles cream

this is my saviour!
when apply onto anus.. its abit cooling..
though didnt help super much, but it does soothe my anus pain abit..

it comes w some extension thing where i can insert into anus to squeeze the cream into internal piles..
i pray hard my piles recover soon!

19/11/10 - no more

The piles is driving me crazy.
Is painful.
Plus chemo making me weak n emo n low.
All I can do is cry cry cry.

I've got no more positiveness, no more will power. Find no meaning.
like 活死人, waiting for time to pass with all the treatments. N the pain..


Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

17/11/10 - worse chemo effect

just 2 days ago, i had my worst chemo..
duno is it i took a break last mon..
hence this wk body cant take it..
this mon the chemo effect is horrible.

i get real weak..
super nauseus..
really got vomit something out..
feel really terrible..

and my internal piles is hurting me too..
everytime i urine, my internal piles will pain me..

am really sad..
i got 2 more wks to go..
nxt wk n following wk..
2 more times chemo..

im really v scared of chemo..
the side effects..

im not happy..

9/11/10 - TCM

this is the mould tat i put on everyday for radio..
its for alignment purpose ba..
when stomach feel bloated..
this mould gets v tight..

by rite radio will make me diarrhea..
chemo makes me constipate...

this few days my anus bleed when pass motion..
its a mix of constipation + loose stools..
weird right..
i 1st time experience too..
but i wld say its more constipation..

my bladder seems to get lazy too..
cos its abit hard to urine normally..
need to use some strength to push urine out..
n its not 1 go.. i need to push n squeeze n push few times..
while pushing.. my anus also got "opened" n its painful..
n some loose loose stools will come out..
but not all...
sigh..
doc see say no external piles..
duno is it internal piles..
anyway im now used to the pain n bleeding..
jus hope everything finish soon..

-------------------------------

Doc See say can go TCM..
se refer me to Yu Ren Shen..
she's Physician Tang Yue.
this is their clinic..
its @ paragon level 13..

my appt is 945am..
after meeting the sinseh..
its only 1030am..
so she let me take a nap in their treatment room..
since its empty..

cos my radio is 2pm..
so i slept till 1130am, then go makan lunch.
good la.. tired oh..
after lunch, i went back to the clinic to mix my medicine powder..

they also have herbal tea...
i just take my time at the recep area to drink the medicine then the herbal tea..
good la.. i dun need to loiter ard paragon waiting for time to pass..

sinseh give me 7 days supply of powder 1st..
its to strengthen my internal organs ba..
cos i internally weak..
total cost ard $90..
i also join yu ren shen member.. got 5% discount..

i hope health can recover fast..

6/11/10

Its been a normal wk.

Wake up, lunch, then go radio, then back home for nap, then dinner, watch tv, sleep.
Its like tat everyday.

I realise I dun really like/want to go out cos dun like to wear wig.
Keep thinking ppl can see tat its a wig..
Got inferior kinda feeling.
Dun like to be in crowd.

Mood not particularly low..
But not in happy mode too.
My 心境不一样了.
Like unable to laugh n b happy like last time.
I duno will I be REAL happy again.
I duno how I'm gona live my life after treatment.

I hope my hair grow out fast so I dun need to wear wig.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld from M1.

1/11/10 - sweet doc See.. 大姑 birthday pics

suppose to do 6wks of radio + every mon chemo for 6 wks.
Chemo dosage suppose to be milder like 30-50% of full dosage.
At 1st I tot shd be ok, BUT last wk I experience same kind of chemo side effects.
I was thinking I need to do EVERY wk, means every wk need to go thru 3-4 days of side effects.
So I fear.

Told doc See, she say can rest nxt mon, no need do chemo :)
so nice!
Then she ask wats my religion, told her Christianity..
so she sort of can say gods things freely etc..
Hoping to cheer me up n don’t go into depression..
I told her like live got no meaning n got passing thots of wana die.
But she goes on comforting me..

Then she ends off “come give me a hug”
am so shock! so sweet of her!
Haha..
nice doc hor!
see her pic again.

Must be god planting 1 more guardian angel at my side!
I feel tat god is so wonderful!
He did not abandon me n keep sending guardian angels to care for me!

大姑 say
"好像小羊迷路了, 傻傻的不会回家, 牧羊人着急寻找, 把它抱回家:)"

am so touched whenever i think of these..
will tear cos too touched..
touched by the warmth 姑姑 n guardian angels gave me!
duno is it chemo effect or jus simply i love to cry la..

also today i took some hormones medicine cos she say maybe due to all treatments,
my hormones gana menopause kinda symtoms..
like hot flush, sweating, restlessness etc..
hope this natural herbs medicine can help me..

-------------------------

got 大姑 birthday pics liao!

大姑 n bro..

start of the meal...

me n dear..

二姑 n us..

playing standing scissors paper stone w shuning n kaixi..

tired but fun ah..

nice bye bye pic..

all super full!

funny pose!

blessed with such sweet n caring family!

all r important ppl in my life!